?

Log in

P-Cola

I have been busy.  I spent the whole last week in school and doing stupid boot camp PT.  Think gym class on steroids.  It was awful.  But yesturday I spent the whole day at the beach and it was AMAZING.  The water was clear and I was swimming with jellyfish (the kind that use lights they create to communicate) and fish, and stingrays, and seaweed and crabs.  It was AWESOME.  And then I made the worst judgement call EVER to date in movies.  I went and saw "THE INVENTION OF LYING".  Great original concept, this movie had SOO much potential, and Jennifer Garner had a great character for her bland acting skills (I mean come on, Electra, yea, she brought that movie down), and that other guy was really good in it.  But it had so much potential and after the first 20 minutes the movie just BLOWS.

I have been doing well at school, I am on track with where I need to be.  The classes are self-paced computer-based training, so it really al depends on how well I can answer the questions.

I have been having fun.

Been Home On Leave

Home has been so much fun, not really.  I actually hate coming home on leave.  I never feel like I have the chance to chill and relax.  Either I am spending to much time cleaning my sister's house because she lives in a pig sty, and all the time I try to split between everyone tires me out, so I am very glad to be leaving to go back to work.  So cannot wait.  I will be heding to P-Cola Florida.  So very happy to be heading to school and becoming a "real" IT.

I had so much fun visiting my friend Molly in San Diego.  It was so very nice to be with her again.  Her baby Presley is SOO cute and VERY well behaved.  I was there for 5 days and that baby never threw a fit once.  I told Molly that just wait until she learns how to talk.  We had so much fun taking her out and going to places to eat.  I got to go to Joe's Crab Shack, which is almost as good as Sam's by the Sea (in Okinawa Japan) for seafood.  I went camping with Ginger, her husband Jeff and my friend Tony.  Tony is an interesting story.  We have a fling like 5 years ago, and I saw him again two weeks ago when he was down here,   But this weekend while he was down he just made me feel like I owed it to him to provide him a place to put his cum.  Pissed me off royally so I was a total bitch that weekened and we will have to see how that goes.  I also got to spend time with my Father this trip, I really enjoyed that.  It was the only down time I really had.  I am trying to rent a car right now, we will see how that goes.

That is what I have been up to.  Catch you later.

I GOT ORDERS

I GOT ORDERS I GOT ORDERS I GOT ORDERS

I leave in like a month and then I am going to be a real IT.

I am so fucking haooy you have NO idea.  Well, anyone who reads my old posts will have some idea but I am so happy right now.  And very nervous, this is my first transfer all by myself.  Plus, it means that I have to try and do a pack out while underway.  That sucks.  Plus just bought some things online and hope that they come in before I leave but with enough time to send them home because I do not want to have to worry about them in my luggage.

I am so happy!

MAIL!!

WE GOT MAIL, WE GOT MAIL.

And yup, the only things I got was stuff that I ordered myself.  So I got a Boston Red Sox hat, and a really cool bag from a designer named Chandi and you can find some of her stuff here http://www.starsandinfinitedarkness.com/chandi.html I got the Jackalope Love bag and a mens Skullcorn shirt (for my best friend Chris, I really hope that he likes it).  MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL.  I was happy for a whole 5 minutes even.  YEA MAIL.  Oh you civilians don't know the true joy that mail brings.

In other news, I am in lust with Zachary Quinto.  I just hope that he isn't a vegetarian or else I will have to drop him like I dropped JTT.  (that's Jonathon Taylor Thomas for those of you who did not grow up watching Home Improvement) 

The FUCKING RAS's

Auntie Phone Home

I GOT TO TALK WITH MY NEPHEWS TODAY!!  And woke up big sis in the process.  HA HA HA EVIL ME!!  Logan still does not know me well enough to have gotten excited, but you should have heard the scream from Spencer when he realized when he was talking to Auntie.  I learned that the hamster Rosie was missing for a couple of days, and that is bad, because if you don't play with you hamster often he might grow scared of you and start biting.  Also, Spencer cannot play with the bird right now because his wings/nails are too long.  He also is sad because baseball season is over but he is going to play football now.  Logan's birthday is on the 20th and he is glad I called him today to wish him a happy birthday because he would not be home on the 20th, that is Dad's weekend.  It was a very informative phone call.  Spencer wants me to come home for his birthday (I really hope I can do it this year, I should, key word SHOULD be on transfer leave for it) and wants to know if I am going to stay in the Navy.  He does not yet understand exactly what being in the military really means.  He knows that it keeps Auntie away from him, and that he gets really cool things from around the world (well, kinda around the world, when the ports you visit main export is prostitution, it is really hard to find cool things that are age appropriate).  God I miss those kids. 

Does it make me a bad Auntie though to admit that I miss Spencer more then Logan?  Before you pass judgment, let me give you some background info, I LIVED with my sister throughout her pregnancy with Spencer and for the first 2 years of his life.  Spencer was 4 when I joined and Logan had just turned 1.  Logan was also a late bloomer, he did not even stand up until his 1st birthday (no, really, the party for his 1st birthday was the first time he stood up on his own) and he didn't really start making word sounds until a few months after.  Not that this makes him unusual, kids develop at different stages, plus he had a LOT of respiratory problems in his first year.  I am just saying that Spencer had a good grasp of who Auntie is and we have a lot more memories then Logan and I do.  But they both love me dearly.  When I go home it is a fight for who gets to sit next to Auntie at the dinner table, Auntie needs to tuck me into bed, I want to walk to the mailbox with Auntie, I want to go with Auntie to the store.  I love every minute of it.  I read to them, I walk with them to the store (it really isn't far), I do all that I can with my nephews when I am home.  In fact, all my friends know that they cannot hang out with me until 2000 because that is their bedtime.  And on Daddy weekends I try to get my sister out to PARTY!!!

That was a good pick me up.  I needed that.

Shades of Grey

The pic is Nail Bunny from my favorite comic Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.  He is my hero, not really because I would be one of the first people he killed in order to keep fresh coats of blood on his basement wall in order to keep the "thing" from crossing through.  But I really enjoy the comic strip.  Once you get through all the homicidal tendencies, there are some really great points to be made at how we think, and what thoughts we suppress.

So, I got cyber-bitched at because I write in black and white.  I forget to put "for the most part" or "a large majority" when I describe things, such as "women in the military ARE like that".  FUCKING SERIOUS!  Are people truly so small minded that they really think I meant EVERY woman?  How many times a day do people talk in generalities and it goes un-noticed?  One of my personal favorites is the "I need" phrase.  No, you do not need to buy some shampoo, you want to buy shampoo because 1) you CAN live without shampoo and 2) you still have body soap and conditioner, therefore, shampoo is still a luxury item.  Now, I need to buy shampoo because I ran out of it, I can accept that one.  But that was all just to prove a point, what really is the difference between speaking in the general "women...that" and the phrase NEED.  Or, I love blah, or I hate blah.  Really, Truly?  Do you LOVE that watch?  Because I think the love entails a implication that you value it's existence at equal OR greater importance than your existence, therefore, you would be willing to risk your life or give it up so that it could go on existing.  So, do you really LOVE that watch now?  But I am also guilty of overusing love/hate, and I can admit it, just like I can admit that at some things/ideas, I am a hypocrite, MAJOR.

I also dislike people who say, "hate is a strong word" when I say something along the lines of, "I hate this weather".  Well, LOVE is also a strong word, but that same person does not complain when I say, "I love this *insert something here*"  Just like, smokers.  I used to be one, and I have since quit.  Not to improve my health, but so that my gyno would put me back  on the NuvaRing instead of the Depo Shot.  People really enjoy telling smokers to quit smoking because it causes cancer.  I would tell people, well, so does the sun but I still see you outside.  Eat right, you'll live longer, exercise, you'll live longer, don't drink, you'll live longer.  I say, you ARE going to die, you can't prevent that.  So LIVE.  Do what you want to do because the most important thing to remember is that you do only get one trip on this plane of existence, if you do not like to eat right, then DON'T, but don't bitch about being fat because you eat at McDonalds 5 times a week and don't do anything physical.  Work out because you WANT to, eat what you WANT, wear what you want (within the scopes of whatever laws apply to your area).  To quote Cake's song Sheep Go To Heaven, Goats Go To Hell "as soon as you're born, you start dying, so you might as well have a good time"

I am NOT a christian, I am vehemently opposed to the idea of western religions.  I believe that there is a higher power, I also believe that the elements have a certain power, I believe that deja vu is confirmation that you are where you are supposed to be in life.  I also believe, that people believe, and that the mysteries or miracles of the belief are opened up to them because of their belief.  I don't judge (to harshly, if I say a woman is a slut it is because I have heard from her mouth that she has partners whose names she can't remember, or that she cheated on her boyfriend, but if I see a woman who is showing "too much skin for her usual personality" then I do think that she is giving off a slutty aura, but I do not judge her as a slut by what she wears)  I am just saying, that I try my best to think deeper of a person then what I see, or hear.  I don't steal from other people, but if someone leaves something out and I know who it belongs to, sometimes, if I don't like the person, I just leave it be.  If I do like the person, I might pick it up and then leave them a note on their rack saying that I have it in case they were wondering what happened to it.  I do not think that I am a good person, nor do I think that I am a bad person.  I do some good things, and I have done some bad things.  I will probably do more good things, and more bad things, but I am going to try NOT to do bad things.

Wow, my ADD is really apparent because none of these thoughts are taking a solid form.

I don't know exactly what I was trying to say in the entry, or if I was trying to say anything at all.  I just wanted to put my thoughts down, and hopefully with them out in existence outside of my head, they will stay out of my head and I can go back to missing my family and crying myself to sleep because I have been away from my country for far too long.

My Day

So, I bought some "toys" online.  Talked with my best friend, he is worried because he might be going to mast, AGAIN, for like the 4th time since he has been in the Navy.  He is scared because he made a decision that could have killed him and the two people he was working with.  But everyone came out alright, I am just now scared that I will have to visit his ship if I want to see him.  Which will SUCK! 

I tried my best to find the drivers for the Panasonic CF51 series laptop.  I was able to find a ton of drivers, but not any for the exact model that I am working on.  And none of the other drivers are 100% compatible with the laptop.  Thank you COMPOSE, thank you SPAWAR.  And now I am counting the size of all picture/music/video files for each folder in the sharedrive.  A very long process as compressed files do not have their info through the search, you actually have to then track it down in the folder/sub folder.  It is a HUGE pain.

I went to the gym and did quite a bit of cardio.  I am pleased with myself, it is even the third time that I have gone this week.

Talk with another friend of mine to console him.  His japanese/phillipina gf was too weak to stand the separation this underway and broke up him to go back to a relationship she hated being in the first time around.

I got attacked verbally for the previous journal entry that I posted to the community usmilitary.  WOW is all I had to say, and if you read their comments, that really is how people in the military re-act.  They do not take into account everything that you say, they only see one point and they tear you apart for it.

 

Tags:

Loneliness


Just trying my best to quiet the biological clock. It is not ticking so much for children, really still have no desire to produce offspring of my own, although I do want to be a mom or own a puppy. It is just ticking because I am really tired of being alone. I have not had a boyfriend or even a significant "buddy" since I have been over here, and 3 1/2 years is a long time to be alone.

At the same time, I am terrified to start a relationship when I get back to the states because I am terrified that I will turn out like Mom. That my desire and longing to be with someone will cloud my judgment and I will settle my standards just to have a "someone". That I won't be truly happy to be with them, I will just be with them to be part of an us. You understand what I am trying to say right? I am not so much scared that I will be with a man who beats me, but more scared that I will be with another Daniel. Or like Patty and Shawn. I am terrified that I will be with someone who I don't have common interests with or common ideals.

Plus, I am going to be so socially awkward by the time I get back. I don't know how to "date", I never really "dated" before and I definitely don't know how to do it now. And I am scared that I won't be able to trust the civilian I am with because of everything that I have seen the military men do. After all the men and women I have seen cheat on their significant others with over here, it is going to make it really hard for me to trust anyone back in the states.

I just think so much about how I am not anywhere near where I thought I was going to be at 25. I always thought that I would be married by now with at least one kid adopted. I never thought that I would be so alone, I don't even have a puppy to love and hold. I think that is what it is. I have so much love and caring in my heart waiting to be poured out, but it is so hard to pour it out long distance. I mean, buying educational gifts for the nephews only relieves it so much, buying flowers for Grandma once a month only relieves it so much. I don't have plants to care for, I don't even have a fish.